It’s not our job to do it all. So why does the Internet keep telling women it’s ideal to try?

In July of 2012 in this publication, Anne Marie Slaughter wrote a piece that at the time, I suppose seemed somewhat controversial, but really just said out loud the things that I and most of my peers already knew. The title of the piece, “Why Women Still Can’t Have it All,” offered Slaughter’s reflections on the challenges of holding down a prime foreign policy position in Washington DC, while struggling to help her adolescent boys navigate difficult teenage years back at home in New Jersey. The reality of the pull from home was real, and when Slaughter returned to her tenured teaching position in New Jersey and left that sought after job in DC, she had thoughts. Yes, the trade offs are real. Yes, women opt out more than men. Yes women are being told to lean into their careers. We are told to do all the things and also at the same time, and what Slaughter compellingly argued is not that we can’t have it all, but we can’t have it all when we try to do so in social and professional constructs defined by how it works best for men. In 2012, Slaughter argued for a woman in the white house, and more policy leaders advocating for more flexible work schedules that accommodated the needs of women and families. Since then, we in fact do have our first woman Vice President. For better or worse, COVID has made work from home schedules more accommodating, although remote school has increased demands on women at home. Still, we have made some progress.

When I read Slaughter’s article, I was 34 years old. I had a masters in public policy and nonprofit management that was quite literally gathering dust in my basement while I dedicated myself full time to raising my then 4 year old son and 2 year old daughter. I can’t pin my exiting the labor force on anyone or anything other than my own choices truthfully. The majority of my peers stayed in and juggled work and family in a way that often made me feel envious of what I knew I’d left behind. I was afraid though of what it would have looked like if I stayed at my job and struggled to make it work while balancing these demands against the needs of my family. But if I was honest, I was also afraid of what it would have looked like if I had stayed in my job and worked my way to the top. I can’t lie and say I wasn’t afraid of doing that too.

Mostly I know that I wondered if I was doing right by my kids and by me. And all those friends that stayed at work while raising their…